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1. |
Christmas Vacation
04:27
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Chorus:
we'll be the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse
Because Christmas only comes but once a year
Even though I'm sure I love you, I want to light you on fire
So shut up and pass me that beer
Verse 1:
There's an RV in the front yard
and the tree burst into flames
I'm gonna need more eggnog
to survive these reindeer games
grandma's got the bottom bunk
and grandpa's got the top
looking at a swimsuit model
I think he's gonna pop
The turkey's like a football
but harder to chew
It's only every Christmas
I wish I'd been born a jew
Aunt Bethany wrapped her cat up
and put it in a box
It's almost as horrifying
as whenever Eddie talks
Verse 2:
There's a rottweiler named snots
that might lay into you
it's best to just "let him finish"
if what Eddie says is true
When Eddie can't buy presents
Clark is there to help
He only asks that Clark buy something "really
nice" for himself
The Christmas lights are working
which wasn't always the case
and when they wouldn't turn on
you should have seen Clark's face
We checked on every bulb
but never checked the light switch
and maybe you could have guessed
it was that son of a bitch
BRIDGE:
be careful what you ask for because Eddie's not too bright
Like when he went out and kidnapped Clark’s boss tonight
He didn’t press any charges, but the police still broke in
And wanted to hit him with a hose that wouldn’t bruise his skin
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2. |
Two Christmases
02:10
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I’ve seen the milk and cookies on the bedside table
I’ve seen the reindeer hoofprints in the back yard
I heard the “ho ho ho” from behind a closed door
I think Santa and my mom were going at it hard
She says he’s just a friend and not to tell my dad
that Santa's been shacking up I think he’d get mad
but then I thought about what would happen if I did
and figured out that I was the luckiest kid
Now I get two Christmases, Now I get two Christmases
Santa and my mom got caught getting it on
so now I get two Christmases
at first I thought it might be pretty bad
both of my parents seemed pretty sad
and then they started to compete for my love
Santa was an angel sent from above
a weekend trip to six flags or a drive in movie
my dad even moved into a place with a jacuzzi
With my parents broke up holidays are fun
because I get two Christmases instead of one
My friend Jimmy gets one Christmas
Donna gets one Christmas
Lucy gets one Christmas
David gets a Hanukkah
Joel gets one Christmas
Annie’s parents are atheists
Gloria gets one Christmas
Willis gets one Christmas
Malachi get’s something, I think it’s Hanukkah
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3. |
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Stayed up late on Christmas eve,
feel asleep under the tree,
woke up to a Christmas dentist
standing over me
He explained that he was Harold,
and he was helping Santa out
then he saw my cavities
and began to scream and shout
I’ll fix your teeth this Christmas
two for one on me
he raised his drill with a sound so shrill
it shook the Christmas tree
it was less than half an hour
when he put down his drill
leaving me with beautiful teeth
and a reasonable dental bill
Harold’s Santa’s Helper
Harold, he comes over when you’re asleep
Harold takes a few things that you won’t miss
and leaves you with great teeth
Harold the Christmas Dentist
doesn’t run a charity
at least that’s what he said
when he left with my TV
Sure he’ll fix your teeth
but there’s always a price
Unlike Santa he don’t care
if you’re naughty or your nice
You gotta brush brush brush brush brush
those teeth teeth teeth teeth teeth teeth
(he doesn’t care, he just wants what’s best for your teeth)
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4. |
Hey Santa!
02:36
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Presents under the tree, and candy canes on the shelves
and all that I can think about are Santa's lowly elves
I don’t think that it’s fair, that the elves get paid in cheer
I’d like to help them unionize along with the reindeer
hey Santa I know that you’re full of shit
hey Santa it’s time someone called you on it
those elves are working hard for you
a few benefits is the least that you could do
I know those tiny hands, must ache all the time
Working hard all year and not making a dime
Last year I saw an expose about an injured elf
and the medical bills that he had to pay himself
You could let them leave the workshop
start going south and see where they stop
they could lead their elven lives
they even bring their elven wives
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The Handsome Dan Providence, Rhode Island
Handsome Dan writes songs for Handsome Dan.
